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Is It About Communication-Jim Lewis

Is it Is, or Is it Ain't About Communication?

Hoping better communication will transform your marriage? In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, legendary marriage researcher Dr John Gottman calls that notion “the greatest myth of all.” Later in the same book, though, he explains how to (that's right) communicate! And we all have scars to show that it matters what we say and how we say it.

So IS communication the answer? Does it or doesn’t it matter? No, and yes. Communication is not THE answer. THE answer is a heart attitude whereby you have
• An overall positive view of your partner that overrides negative impressions and feelings
• Empathy that moves you to sample your partner’s inner experience and make sense of it
• A commitment to respond in a considerate, constructive manner

Without that attitude, communication tools are worthless. But tools can help you build that attitude by heading off knee-jerk reactions, allowing you truly to understand and validate your partner, and phrasing responses that help rather than hurt.

So learn those communication tools, and use them. But remember: It’s not the words that will heal your relationship. It’s the heart that is sending them.

Jim Lewis, MDiv, MA, LPC

On-line Safety for Children and Teens, Dr Joan Jones

On-line Safety for Children and Teens

Students use the Internet for academic purposes, and all persons use the Internet for exploring the web and contacting friends and family. These are valuable opportunities for keeping in touch with all aspects of our society and our world. However, the Internet can be dangerous due to inappropriate material and online predators who seek victims of all ages.

Here are some ideas that can help insure the safety of members of your household when using the Internet:

  • Passwords. On-Line account ID and passwords should be kept private and not even shared with close friends. Passwords should be changed if there is a possibility that someone else knows it.
  • Personal Information. Never give personal information On-Line. This includes phone numbers, addresses, work or school locations, credit card numbers, or social security numbers of anyone in the family.
  • Photos. Don’t share photos of yourself or your family with anyone you do not know. Provocative photos should never be posted on-line – once they are on-line you have no control over who sees them or what is done with them.
  • Accountability. Keep computers with Internet access in a central place in the home. Computers in private places, such as bedrooms, can be more easily used for dangerous Internet activities.
  • Limits. Decide with your children what on-line activities are age-appropriate. Chat rooms, instant messaging, and websites such as YouTube, My-space, and others can be especially dangerous for anyone under the age of 16. Any Internet location at which strangers could contact a child is a “hunting ground” for predators.

For more information on Internet protection go to http://www.netsmartz.org.

Joan Jones, PsyD, Licensed Psychologist

Acceptance and the Path to Transformation-Julie Valenziano

Acceptance and the Path to Transformation

According to David Benner in The Gift of Being, my spiritual transformation requires that I accept myself, just as I allow God to accept me. Until I accept myself, I can never truly know myself and so cannot enter fully into a knowing relationship with God.

My self-acceptance must include those parts of me that I wish to change; in fact I can begin to change them only after I have accepted them. How good it is to know that God “made us accepted in the Beloved,” Ephesians 1:6 (NKJV). Self-acceptance is not denial or permissiveness; it is a reflection of God’s overpowering, transforming Grace.

Julie Valenziano, MA, LPC

Anger Can Be Healthy-Elizabeth Walter

Anger Can Be Healthy

In this brief article, I will identify one unhealthy way we handle anger and give a strategy for movement toward expressing and resolving it in a healthy way.

In their book, When Anger Hits Home, Drs Oliver and Wright identify eight anger myths. One of these myths is, "The best way to handle anger is to stuff it." They then say that this is the same as ignoring your anger and go on to suggest that the person choose a healthy way to express their anger, allowing them to address the root issues of the anger.

I teach my clients that anger is always a "pointer" emotion, that is, it is directing them to an emotion that drives or fuels their anger in the moment. The three emotions that primarily drive anger are FEAR, FRUSTRATION, and HURT. Once we begin to express these emotions, the anger dissipates and we are handling the root issues mentioned in When Anger Hits Home.

Elizabeth Walter, MA, LPC<

Step Into Beauty-Jodi Top

Step Into Beauty

“We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves.” - C. S. Lewis from The Weight of Glory.

I find this quote so true it is hard to express at times. True beauty, not the high gloss, high fashion, air brushed kind, but true beauty has a way about it. It stills, it restores, I think it even redeems. Think of this, your beautiful spouse tucking her hair absent-mindedly behind her ear, or a father’s gentle way with his sleeping child, and the silent swirls of a peaceful blooming rose.

True beauty has a way of almost making me hold my breath, or lose it. And I seek it for its nourishment, hungrily.

Jodi Top, LCSW

Is That What You Meant? Joel MacFarland

This is what I heard...Is that what you meant?

Communicating with the people in our lives can often be like one big game of "telephone." The messages we interpret from one another can be very different from the message the speaker intended to send.

This problem is only magnified by the expansion of technological communication, where complex messages are conveyed in short phrases and texts. When an offense occurs, rather than assume that the message was automatically interpreted correctly, we are wise to first clarify the message.

Confirming that the message received was interpreted as the speaker intended it to be can decrease those destructive games of "telephone" and increase true understanding.

Joel MacFarland, M.Div, MSW

Guilt the Ultimate Magnifier-Elizabeth Dodrill

Guilt: The Unltimate Magnifier

I have found over the years in working with people experiencing depression and anxiety that guilt has a sneaky way of weaving itself into the mix. People more than likely feel an extreme sense of guilt over feeling sad or worried about something. Often Christians will slip into the thinking of “if I had enough faith or trusted in God I would not be feeling anxious” or “if I was really living as a believer I would be experiencing joy in my life and not this sadness.” This kind of thinking spirals people deeper into the anxiety or depression that they are already legitimately experiencing.

In reading the Psalms it is safe to say that there were seasons where David experienced feelings of depression as well as anxiety. My hope is to encourage people to feel the freedom to acknowledge what they are experiencing and to let go of the expectation that if they were “doing things right” they would not feel sad or anxious. The removal of this kind of thinking can free us up to move forward. Guilt always magnifies and always keeps us stuck.

Elizabeth Dodrill, MA, LPC

Your Focus: Watch Where You Point It-Todd Challis

Your Focus: Watch Where You Point It

How we think or ponder about things or circumstances affects how we see life. If we are tuned into the negatives around us, there is a very good chance that we won't even notice when good things happen. This is what CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is all about.

"whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8

Using a set of binoculars helps a person look more closely at something of interest, but it also limits the other distractions.... Choose what you would prefer to focus your attention on!

Todd Challis, LCSW