Creepy–And Yet…

Jim Lewis, MDiv, MA, LPC; Clinical Staff

Creepy. That’s how people I know describe their COVID experience. Not exactly scary; more than strange or stressful. It’s the cringy-queasy dread of immersion in something that can’t be, but is. Like staring at the scratchy sepia image of a WWI gas mask, realizing behind those soulless bug eyes is a scared teenager; knowing he has compelling reason to fear. Creepy.

We smile behind our masks and assure each other we’re “just fine.” We tell each other to “be safe” and remind each other “we’re all in this together.” Still, with plunging stocks, lengthening lines, and everything social suddenly “virtual,” we feel, well, creepy.

So, what’s wrong with our faith? Doesn’t faith carry us over those feelings – deliver us, insulate us? Doesn’t faith give us perfect peace – the peace Jesus promised his disciples, the peace that guards our souls (Isaiah 26:23; John 14:27; Philippians 4:7)? If faith is our ideal (of course it is), then surely feeling creepy is the opposite. Stuck on the wrong end of the feeling spectrum, we might shame ourselves and doubt our faith.

But what if fearful, stressful, cringy-queasy, creepy feelings are not polar opposites of faith – what if there isn’t a horizontal line with faith on one end and all those feelings on the other? What if the line is vertical; what if the relationship of top to bottom is not “either-or” but rather “and-yet?”

Consider the ocean: storms wrench the surface into mountainous waves, and yet 500 feet down the same ocean flows in serenity. Our “storms” are health threats, isolation, unemployment, uncertainty. Our “waves” are the natural emotions that give meaning to our experience. And 500 feet down? That’s our spirit, our soul, our “inner self” as the apostle Paul would say.

Consider 2 Corinthians 1:8 and 4:8-18. Paul was “so utterly burdened beyond [his] strength that [he] despaired of life itself;” he was “afflicted” and “perplexed.” And yet, he was not “crushed” or “driven to despair;” he “did not lose heart.” Why? Because, Paul says, “Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” The surface writhes and roars, but 500 feet down there’s unshakable calm.

Remember those words, “and yet.” You’re creeped out and yet, your spirit/soul/inner self knows you are held by a mighty hand, blessed with an eternal destiny, part of a brilliant plan that turns every storm to a purpose far greater than the storm’s threat.

COVID isn’t over, and you’re feeling creepy. You’re tempted to shame yourself and doubt your faith. Don’t go there; go deeper. Remember those words: and yet …