Joel MacFarland, LCSW; clinical staff member
One priority at Southwest Counseling Associates is to help couples sustain their marriages through periods of distress. Too often, we hear of couples being told by a secular therapist that their problems cannot be solved and they should divorce. We would like to share with you our perspective on this matter and hope it can help you in your own marriage or in ministering to others.
A reason couples often cite for divorce are their “irreconcilable differences.” The rationalization follows that, because their relationship possesses areas of difference or conflict that are impossible to permanently solve, their marriage uniquely warrants dissolution. However, scientific research has indisputably demonstrated that the presence of irreconcilable differences, far from being unique, is a universal norm. In fact, the groundbreaking researcher, Dr John Gottman, has proven that the majority of problems marriages face are what he terms “perpetual problems.”
Unchanging differences in personality, dreams, temperament and extended family dynamics are just a few examples from a plethora of potential issues a couple may find themselves managing all the way from their first to final anniversary. Research has also shown that the determining factor in marital satisfaction is not whether these perpetual problems exist but, rather, a couple’s ability to cope with and adapt to their own unique set of them.
Evidence perpetual problems exist in every marriage is consistent with sin’s infestation of all human relationships. Every marriage can identify one or more thorns that serve a similar function to Paul’s thorn in II Corinthians 12. Despite the recurrent pain it can inflict and our sincere prayers that it be taken away, God tells us instead that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in our sustained weakness.
Thankfully, we confess that, through Jesus Christ, no problem is beyond the peacemaking hand of God. However, the making of peace does not always mean the presence of a permanent solution. The insightful author of A Marriage After God’s Own Heart, David Clarke, asks and answers his question on the role of perpetual problems in marriage this way:
“Why did God make men and women so unbelievably different? The main reason is so that we would have to depend on Him. God wants to be at the center of every marriage, so He made the relationship so difficult that we have to keep Him there to make it work. That’s just like God, isn’t it? He makes sure that He is the answer to all of life’s problems.”
Couples need to know that having perpetual problems make them normal and that a God who is never without answers is always present and prepared to surround a couple’s thorns with His grace and peace.
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